can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
