I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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