I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
