she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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