WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
