I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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