I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
