i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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