i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
