he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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