went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I want her autograph on my taint
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
