I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
