Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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