Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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