There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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