Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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