She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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