I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
