Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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