I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
