did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
