her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
