so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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