why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You are a genius and a whore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
