in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
only if we run a train.
done.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
