Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
