I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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