Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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