i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
