so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
