my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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