He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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