Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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