Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
my poor anus
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Come on in and take your pants off
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