took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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