So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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