so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
