I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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