i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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