btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
please come you make the beer taste better
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
