he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
