I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
