Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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