So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
