DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
