Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
