thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
