Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
