So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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