yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
