in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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